Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
