can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
