just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
