Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
