He disabled his match.com account in front of me
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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