I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize
