Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
she smelled like a LAN party
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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