it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
