Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
