sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize