I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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