Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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