Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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