hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
