Taylor Swift is so right about you.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
