There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
