My hand turned me down
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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