my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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