Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize