margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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