I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
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