I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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