Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
