my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
