it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
