he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
