One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
