fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
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