just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
