Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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