Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Randomize
