i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
