Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
