my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
