I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
