Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
My penis needs a shock collar
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
