some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
