just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize