you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize