just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
