just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
it hurts more in the daytime
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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