You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
it's like iHOP with fire
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize