her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
