chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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