I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
