i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I don't deserve a penis
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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