you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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