I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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