meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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