Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize