i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
pray to the hookup gods
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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