Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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