Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
