My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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