After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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