Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
