and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
