we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
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