i already hear my dad disowning me
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
