Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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