we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
