I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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