I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
