She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
