Betty ford says i'm here all night
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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