I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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