90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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