plz talk dirty to me
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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