turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
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