this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Randomize
