tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Randomize
